Dr. Goldfoot And The Bikini Machine

 

The movie begins with some goofy slapstick scenes showing a woman walking down a sidewalk. But this is not just any woman! As is proven by her not being fazed at being shot at point blank range by a bank robber, there is something strange about this woman.

After this encounter, she goes into a restaurant and proceeds to drink a glass of milk, presumably only to show off the streams of milk that then leak from the bullet holes in her body. Thus Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine sets the tone and lets you know exactly the kind of movie you are in for.

See, the woman that we follow in the opening scenes is a robot. She and several others were created by Dr. Goldfoot (Vincent Price, who is fantastic as always) to seduce rich men and then convince them to sign over all of their assets. Only there is a slight snafu during this inaugural mission.

Goldfoot's bumbling assistant was supposed to program the robot to go after wealthy Craig Gamble (played by Frankie Avalon). Instead, for reasons that are never made clear, he programs her to look for secret agent (and a broke one at that) Todd Armstrong. (Armstrong is played by Dwayne Hickman, in a character that feels a lot like his most popular role, Dobie Gillis.)

Gamble gets suckered in by the robot temptress, whose name is Diane (and who is played by Susan Hart). But Armstrong just cannot seem to get over his minutes long affair with the electronic beauty, and also feels that there is something off with her.

Once he figures out that she is a robot, he tries to warn Gamble. After Gamble is suckered again by Diane (seemingly) the two team up to stop Dr. Goldfoot, since Armstrong's uncle (who runs the local department of the spy agency Gamble works for) won't believe him that there is a plot afoot.

This leads to one of the dumbest/weirdest/most fun chase sequences I have seen in a long time. Some of the shots are first person and will cause motion sickness in those who are susceptible. The jokes are constant and most make no sense.

But honestly, anyone trying to make sense of this movie gave up watching a long time ago. And even though Goldfoot's plans may seem to be foiled by the movie's end, there is plenty of wiggle room for a sequel, which was made but I haven't seen it yet.

There are some surprise cameos that will probably not be as funny to current viewers as they were to audiences at the time of release. The jokes are decidedly dumb, but still bring a laugh. Price is terrific in his role.

The Supremes sing the theme song. Yes, you read that right, the same Supremes who sang "Stop In The Name of Love." There are girls in gold lame bikinis. If all of that is not enough to make you want to see this movie, I just don't understand you.

That's not to say it's a good movie. Like I said, it doesn't make sense. The robot girl can unlock and lock a chain lock without being anywhere close to it, apparently using ESP. Oh yeah, and she can walk through walls at one point. Dr. Goldfoot has a device that can just blow up random cars, which apparently everyone leaves the keys in at all times as they can just be driven off by anyone who happens by.

You can steer a boat on a trailer that is rolling down the street by using the boat's steering wheel. This is just the tip of the nonsense iceberg. Also, parts of it don't age well. When Hickman's character tries to get Diane to go with him after finally finding her, it begins to feel almost like an assault.

Some of the jokes won't even register with younger audiences. Even the girls in gold bikinis might be seen as pretty sexist, although I have to admit it was one of my favorite parts of the movie. (I'll just apologize here being being a disgusting pig, okay?)

So while the movie may not be good, I will argue that it is great! I had more fun watching this than anything I can remember watching in the last year easily.